Pelosi renews call new economic stimulus bill

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is calling again for a lameduck session of Congress to enact a stimulus program to shore up the sinking economy. Pelosi said Wednesday that no decisions have yet been made on such a post-election session. But she did say that talks are continuing with the White House on the terms of such a package, which would include additional assistance for people who are out of work.

This woman is insane. When I hear the name Pelosi, I can only think of the Hindenburg.

The least qualified politician since David Duke is at it again. Speaker Pelosi is calling for us to borrow billions of more money from our best friends, China and Russia. She also has a call into Parker Brothers to see if they can print more of their orange $500 Monopoly bills.

Um, hello, Mrs. Speaker, we ran out of zeroes on the debt clock, and you want to add a few hundred billion more. I love how these assbags tell us to save our money for retirement, not to put too much on our credit cards and make sure we have enough money for our children's future, yet don't follow the same rules. Instead, they make the money up as we go.

Priority number 1 for Obama should be to have some political courage and cut spending, eliminate the Bush tax cuts, get us out of Iraq, and get us back to running surpluses.

Obama wins!

The election is over and I am still drunk. I love a great party, and last night was on for the ages. I can't remember much after 9:30pm.

Now that the election is over we as a country can get back to more important things, like college football bowl season and Christmas shopping.

Election Prediction

I am so sick of these Washington , DC , “Insider” pundits talking about the Bradley Effect, negative campaigning, lipstick on pigs, lesbians and rotting deer carcasses. Why can’t they give it to us straight, without injecting their idiocy?

I had an epiphany over the weekend, when I had to listen to some homo spout out of his mouth, at a crowded restaurant, no less, on how Obama was the second coming of Christ and McCain was the antichrist. That wouldn’t have been so bad if he didn’t do it in a highly vocal gay lisp (do they take classes for that?). Now I am not saying he’s gay, but I haven’t seen a man shake like that while talking since the last time I saw a gay man eat a hot dog.

Below is my non-bs keys to who is the better candidate. Since I am already voting for Bill Shatner, this is especially for all the independents and voters who haven’t made up their minds.

Pins

All weekend I saw smiling white people with Obama pins on. I accept all black people are voting for Obama (but it’s not race, of course), but I can’t take these white people who think they’re doing a wonderful service to slavery, civil rights, etc. These are the same assholes who say they’re not racist because they once knew a black kid in pre-school. Look, this election is not to satisfy your guilt. It’s for the issues and policies. And stop pinning this crap on your 7 year old; they clearly have no idea what’s going on. Furthermore, I don’t find Obama cute, so the last thing I want to see is a pin on of his face. The only good part about Obama pins are they are most likely to be worn by cute college women, giving me an excuse to stare at their tits, I mean, pin attached to their upper-front body cavity.

Since I live in DC, I did not see any McCain pins.

Advantage: McCain

Wives

Both of the candidate’s wives have done well volunteering their time. Both are very attractive for their age. Cindy is petite, while Michelle is a little “Bigger boned.” There are, however, 2 rules I live by: Marry a rich older woman if you can, and never date a woman that can kick the shit out of you.

Advantage: McCain

Books

In the interest of full disclosure, I have not, nor would I ever, read any of their books. I am not in the habit of reading political propaganda. McCain is a war hero, who was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton. Obama grew up with different color parents. One admitted to being a womanizer, while the other admitted to snorting cocaine.

Advantage: Push

Supporters

Obama’s people are completely, 100%, up in your face. They say if you don’t vote for him you’re, basically, a racist. They actually believe he’s going to change Washington , D.C. And they believe he’ll be able to stop people from dying like Neo in the Matrix.

I haven’t found a McCain supporter in DC.

This is a tough one. Since I hate people showcasing what they fucking think, I would normally go with McCain. But I am going against my gut for the simple fact I have seen more hot college chicks wearing Obama gear. If I know anything about Democrat college women, it’s they put-out; just attend an abortion rally. So my little head has vetoed the big head.

Advantage: Obama

Looks

I always want to be at a party or bar with nothing but ugly guys. Having a bunch of good-looking guys hitting on the same pot of women puts a dent in your evening agenda. If I have the chance to go to a party with Zack Morris or Screech, I am picking Screech every day. Zack may know more hot women, but you’re not pulling any away from him.

Obama is skinny, in shape and looks like he takes care of himself. McCain looks like Freddy Krueger from Elm Street .

Advantage: McCain

Children

Obama’s kids certainly look cute. I can honestly say they’ll probably turn out great.

McCain has far too many kids. I don’t even want one, so I have to question someone’s judgment when they have 57, and then adopt one from Bangladesh .

On the other hand, Meghan McCain said if the senator becomes president, and wins in New Hampshire , she'll tattoo the state motto -- "Live Free or Die" -- somewhere on her body. This has my mind going. Does she do it on her ass? Thigh? Does she put it right above her ass, in the male bullseye area? Either way I want to see 8 years of her.

Advantage: McCain

Intangibles

Obama has the wind at his back. After 8 years of a President butchering the English language, America and the world are ready for some coherance. All the sign point to an Obama victory, and, frankly, I don't see how McCain can win.

With all that being said, there is one thing I hate more than snakes and females who wait till they're married.....and that's polls. Every two-bit prostitute and their mother has done some sort of poll for us mere mortals to see. The fraudulent NY Times has Obama up by 14 and the AP has it a 1 point contest. How can that be? Oh, I know, it's because one of those outlets is biased. Either way, if we take the averages, Obama should be smiling tonight. But my trust in polls is equivalent to my trust in women: none.

As you can see from my "just as scientific poll as Gallup" it looks like McCain is going to pull off the upset tonight, and to the dismay of many, become our 44th president. Don't come crying to me Wednesday when this happens.

My mother always said I was full of shit.

I am sleeping in today

In case you haven't heard this for the 1,458,033 time, TODAY is ELECTION Day! Just like the pundits say every 4 years, this is the most important and historic election of your life. Today you will get to decide whether the world turns to the dark side or we put in a new 200 watt bulb, and make the whole world shine.

If Obama wins I envision a scene not so much different then the movie Bambi; where all the animals start singing--in English, of course--and Jesus scales down from heaven to fulfill his prophecy of return. I cannot wait till that happens.

If only I didn't have to do an absentee ballot, then I could be as cool as everyone else and wear an "I Voted" sticker. Though I would be different and not put it on my shirt, but right down the middle of the zipper of my crotch. If I have to vote, I want everyone looking at my package today.

Bill Shatner 08

Fat men be gone

Would the fat man, with more rolls than Dunkin Donuts, please get dressed quicker in the men's locker room at the gym? Is that too much to ask for?

After a long and boring day at work, the last thing I want to see is a 400 pound douchebag, with the penis length of a newborn boy. Why can't you get dressed in less than 2 minutes, like all normal, in-shape, heterosexual men? I know it's difficult, but standing there naked, looking at all the men come in and out of the locker room, leaves me to believe you have pedophile tendencies. Hey! NAMBLA just called, they want their playground stalker back.

I don't want to look, but that's like asking a driver not to look at a car accident. No matter how gross it may be, we slow down and look. I want my gym to have 3 locker rooms: men; women; and fat and gay people. It's gotten so bad at my gym, they had to put up a sign to stop taking camera phone pictures in the locker room.

Instead of gawking at the fit people, shouldn't you be chasing a donut down the road? You fat bastard. This place would be a lot better if the fat people would eat themselves to death. Instead they feel the need to publicly display their disgusting fat-bodies, giving us athletic people a sudden case of vomiting. I'd ask the gays to leave, but then my gym wouldn't be so nice.

I guess I could live more knowing there might be a group of faggots out there, having a circle jerk with camera phone pictures. But I draw the line when I have to see fat, nude men at the gym. Every time I try and join a woman's gym they turn me down. I think they're being a bit sexist.

Australia: No residency for boy with Down syndrome

SYDNEY, Australia – A German doctor hoping to gain permanent residency in Australia said Friday he will fight a decision by the immigration department to deny his application because his son has Down syndrome. Bernhard Moeller, a specialist physician, came to Australia with his family two years ago to help fill a doctor shortage in a rural area of Victoria state.

I have to side with Australia on this one. And before anyone gets high and mighty, put yourself in their shoes for a minute. When you're thinking about which one of your friends you want to invite to your party, you never put the retard first. When you're drafting your high school dodgeball team, who gets picked last? It's always the retard. When you're at a bar or nightclub, have you ever hit on the reatard in the corner? Of course not.

So before you start lambasting the Australian Government, please take into account your feelings on the less fortunate. And if you're still angry at them, ask yourself if you'd ever let a retard go down on you? Sure it might be awful to look at, but a retard with Terret's could lick that like a kid with his first ice cream cone.

We all know retards add costs to the government. And with today's financial mess, we need to be more sympathetic to our elected officials trying to alleviate the pain on its citizens who can comprehend their surroundings. Unless they're bringing back "Life Goes On," Corky and his coterie of retards will have to limit themselves to drooling in their chairs and pooping in their diapers.

How can 30 Million Americans be so stupid?

According to preliminary ratings numbers from the networks, more than 26 million people watched the program on CBS, NBC or Fox. That's 3 million more than usually watch those networks at that hour, according to the Hollywood Reporter. Averaging in the cable networks that also carried the event, about 30 million people in all saw the long-form campaign ad.

Sorry to play on the phrase from the British press when Bush won in 04, but are you fucking kidding me? 30 million people tuned into this turd-fest? Doesn't anyone have a partner to bang? Wood to chop? Babies to shake violently? Old ladies to push down the stairs? Anything?

Apparently not. It looks like America is filled with at least 30 million losers, who couldn't find anything to do other than watch an informercial. Since I didn't see it, I wonder how many people were waiting for the Zack Morris look-alike, with a headset on, grab a sponge and soak up 48 gallons with one swipe. The miracle sponge would've been more interesting than a wind-bag in a suit.

I for one cannot wait for the election to be over. I have tried to stay neutral, however, these Americans have put me over the edge. While I'll have to call and apologize to Bill Shatner, I am throwing my hat behind McCain. I am doing this because, like Imus said this morning, I want to see the most chaos. And a win for McCain would certainly send millions into a frenzy, crying out about a stolen "racist" election. Let the chaos begin.

McCain wins Florida

Former Vice-President Al Gore is preparing to campaign for Barack Obama in Florida, a state Mr Gore lost very narrowly in his 2000 presidential bid. Mr Gore is scheduled to appear in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, with his wife, Tipper.

If you put Al Gore and Florida in the same sentence you know what's coming - utter and complete failure. The Sunshine State should be like kryptonite to Gore. Obama seemed to have the momentum here, going into the final week. And now he makes the dumbest decision of his campaign. Having Gore as your advocate in Florida is like having Bluto Blutarski as American Ambassador to Germany when they bombed Pearl Harbor.

Sending Al Gore to Florida is about as dumb as asking a retard to walk a straight line. The polls are tightening, Obama, and you send an American-hating-end-of-the-earth-is-near moonbat to take care of business. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, never trust an old fat man who dines with Leo Dicaprio and bangs a bitch named Tipper.

I think of Tipper Gore every time a random chick and I play the "just put your dick in a little" game.

Fat Chicks on the loose

Violent crime down? Check.

Gun charges down? Check.

misdemeanors down? Check.

It seems the police throughout this great land have been doing so well lately, that they've finally focused on the true crime wave gripping America - fat chicks.

We all can relate to the plethora of fat chicks who rob the local McDonald's, eat your food when you're not looking, steal size 18 clothes off the Victoria's Secret lingerie rack and eat midgets and leprechauns. Crime like this has to stop. Each leprechaun eaten by Robin the rhinoceras means less gold for us. I am tired of following a rainbow, only to find out we've lost another one.

Men don't lose their vision with age, we lose it because we've been forced to look at women who forget to remember that you're worthless if you're not skinny. No guy wants to have sex with a chick who has more cottage cheese than Ricotta. To solve this crime wave, I propose putting all fat chicks on an island, far away from civilization, and letting them start their own country.

No one, besides black men, think fat chicks are worth having sex with. If we could convince the minorities to put their dick away around the heffers, we might be able to solve this crime wave. After all, working together helps ensures our streets are safe. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for the children. It is, after all, the youth of this country that are suffering.

Obama infomercial: Smart or overkill?

Barack Obama will go on national television tonight and air a 30-minute infomercial about himself and his presidential campaign.Several political image makers, both Republicans and Democrats, say it’s a smart move. But is there a risk of excess in it, as well?

Of course there's a risk. The risk involves ruining my sleep time. If the baseball game ends after 11pm, I am blaming Obama. I can't believe Major League Baseball delayed the start of a WORLD SERIES game so a politician can bore the shit out of the idiots that will actuall tune-in to a 30 minute snooze fest. As an aside, if you admit to watching this informercial, you deserve to be taken out to the back of the barn and be put to sleep, just like all the other horses we slaughter for meat.

I would rather have a herpes scare than watch a politician's 30 minute lovefest. It's bad enough I have to see all these smiling whacko's wear a pin on their jacket while I walk around DC. If he pulls out charts and graphs tonight I am calling shenanigans. If Obama loses next week he can look back and see this as the turning point. You know, the point he turned an insurmountable lead into defeat. Somemwhere Thomas Dewey is smiling.

I am going to save every moonbat 30 minutes of their life. Obama is going to say he's the best and all his ideas are better than McCains. Period. The end. You're welcome.

Boy could be 23rd child abandoned at Neb. hospital

OMAHA, Neb. – A 17-year-old boy left at a hospital in Lincoln, Neb., may be counted as the 23rd child abandoned under the state's unique safe-haven law.Nebraska's safe-haven law is the only one in the country that lets caregivers leave children as old as 18 at a state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution for the abandonment.

This is the greatest law in the world since Charlemagne drafted the Magna Carta. Now all men can give women what they want - babies. No questions asked. Then, when the kid starts crying at all hours of the night and shitting their pants, the guy has an out-clause; he can drive that little bastard to a State hospital and completely rid his hands of the kid. It's like the kid was never born. Brilliant! Goodbye responsibility.

This law may make me change my mind about having a kid. Instead of having to raise the devil they all are, I have 18 years to dump it on someone else. This gives hope and comfort to all men. We don't want to get married or have kids because of the finality of these decisions.

Once we're in, it's hard to get out. I will move to the first state that allows a similar law concerning marriage. If I could drop my wife off at any state sanctioned insane asylum, and not lose half my income, the house and dog, I would get married this year.

Reminder

These chicks are fucking hot!

Yoga Pants should be required

I think every woman with a body at least 6 out of 10, on a very conservative scale, should be required by law to wear yoga pants that are so predominant at gyms. I like to refer to them as magic pants, especially the way they accentuate every movement of the ass. Each steps seems to leave me in a trans-like state, not being able to look away as she steps with her left foot, causing her left cheek to be tightened, highlighting the outline of the thong that catches her gym sweat. Then she repeats with the right foot and cheek.

Each step is causing us men to stare a little longer, just in case the ass notices our gaze and wants to ask us back to her place for some after-the-gym cleansing. When the words don't come from that particular ass, we move on to the next chick in yoga pants, hoping the woman inside will give us the release we need.

After we repeat this dozens of times each day, we go home and wonder why all the hot chicks don't take advantage of this mesmerizing piece of clothing. Yoga pants easily adds a point to your hotness factor. So if you're a chick on the cusp of an average 5, it would be worth your while to forget your bra that day and skip down to the mall and pick out a dozen pairs.

If you're a disgusting fat-body, please refrain from going out in public. Fat chicks really know how to ruin the "Yoga Pants" fantasy.

Chinese Restaurant closed after dead deer found in kitchen

HAMBURG, N.Y. – Health officials shut down a suburban Buffalo restaurant after an inspector found employees butchering a dead deer inside the business. Erie County Health Department officials said they got a tip Friday about a dead deer in the China King restaurant in the town of Hamburg, just south of Buffalo.

Instead of shutting a Chinese restaurant down for having a dead deer in their kitchen, we should be rewarding them for leaving the neighborhood dogs and cats alone. When I see a missing pet poster on the street lamp the first place I search for Lucky, the missing 7 year olds pet dog, is the local Chinese restaurant. I know General Tso's chicken is code for a 7 month old puppy; and boneless spear ribs are from Fluffy, the 13 year old siamese cat who just happened to wonder a little to close to the restaurant's dumpster. Thank you, City of Buffalo. Because you punished a Chinese restaurant for going straight--ie, Venison--you have sentenced more innocent housepets to those lousy Chinese takeaway boxes, passed off as pork fried rice and whatever other shitty, non-Mandarin, name we call those delicious dishes.

Belgian TV scraps show on Hitler's favorite meal

BRUSSELS, Belgium – Amid widespread criticism, a Belgian public broadcaster on Monday scrapped a television show on Adolf Hitler's favorite meal. Belgium's Flemish broadcaster VRT said the episode on Hitler's culinary tastes was "too sensitive" to air and did not fit the series "Plat Prefere," or "Favorite Dish," which profiles the favorite foods of famous people.

Why do they need a television show to say his favorite dish was Jew-a-la-mode? Seems pretty simple to me.

Greenspan denies blame for crisis, admits 'flaw'

WASHINGTON – Badgered by lawmakers, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan denied the nation's economic crisis was his fault on Thursday but conceded the meltdown had revealed a flaw in a lifetime of economic thinking and left him in a "state of shocked disbelief."Greenspan, who stepped down in 2006, called the banking and housing chaos a "once-in-a-century credit tsunami" that led to a breakdown in how the free market system functions. And he warned that things would get worse before they get better, with rising unemployment and no stabilization in housing prices for "many months."

A flaw!?

Are you fucking kidding me!!!!???? Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!!!???????????? Are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!!!!???????????? You think your only on the hook for a flaw?

You were the Chairman of the Federal Reserve from 1987 -2006, and this WASN'T your fault? Sure, there are other assholes--President Bush comes to mind--that had a hand in this complete and utter failure on America's leaders to regulate Wall Street, but to say you weren't at least partly at fault here means you think we have sex with picnic tables, and a little gerbil runs round and round on a wheel inside our heads.

The level of ignorance emanating from our current leaders in Washington is astounding. You blew the biggest disaster in American history since the molasses flood of Boston. Hell, I would've rather been up to my eyeballs, choking on molasses, then have to see my 401K dwindle down to the amount of hair you have on your head - zero! At least molasses doesn't lie through its teeth.

I am so sickened by this statement that I can't even write anymore. Thanks a lot, assbag. If you wouldn't mind jumping out of a plane without a parachute that would be fine.

McCain says Obama will 'say anything' to win

ORLANDO, Fla. – Republican John McCain, taking a cross-state bus tour aimed at keeping vote-rich Florida from swinging to the Democrats, on Thursday accused rival Barack Obama of saying "anything to get elected."

Thank you, John, for this truly eye-opening bit of information you passed on. I never knew a politician would say anything to get elected. McCain reinforces what my mother always told me: "you learn something new everyday."

Obama is a breath of fresh air. No longer will we have to live with these honest, caring, truthful and monogomous politicians in Washington, DC. No sir. When Obama gets elected, he'll bring in lies, sex, cocaine and scandal. I, for one, am happy to be living in DC during this momentous change. Hell, with Obama style vices, we may even have a member of Congress pay for a hooker; but I doubt we'd sink that low.

Ethical question

If you find out you may have a sexually trasmitted disease from a prior relationship, what options do you have with your current girlfriend? Do you tell her? Or do you get tested and ONLY tell her if you come back positive.

To me, this is a no-brainer. If I get a call or an anonymous note from an ex that she is std positive, and that I should get tested, I keep this information above top secret. I make an appointment with a clinic immediately. What I don't do is tell my girlfriend about it. The safest play is to wait to get the test results back; if they come back negative, it's like the whole event never happened. Imagine if you told your girlfriend and you came back negative? That bitch would never forgive you. In fact, she'd be hopping on the first strange dick she could find.

Now, if you come back positive, then you need to own up to your responsibility. With the tough economic crisis happening, there's no need to make her worry more about something you may not even have. Keeping this information from your girlfirend only shows how committed you are to her mental health. All women are crazy to begin with, you shouldn't make them extra crazy if you can help it.

AP presidential poll: All even in the homestretch

WASHINGTON – The presidential race tightened after the final debate, with John McCain gaining among whites and people earning less than $50,000, according to an Associated Press-GfK poll that shows McCain and Barack Obama essentially running even among likely voters in the election homestretch.Obama and McCain were essentially tied among likely voters in the latest George Washington University Battleground Poll, conducted by Republican strategist Ed Goeas and Democratic pollster Celinda Lake. In other surveys focusing on likely voters, a Washington Post-ABC News poll showed Obama up by 9 percentage points, while a poll by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center had Obama leading by 14. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll, among the broader category of people registered to vote, found Obama ahead by 10 points.

I hate polls and I especially hate people that use polls as the be-all-and-end-all. Look at how all over the map this shit it. Trying to follow these polls is like trying to watch Hellen Keller pass a field sobriety test. One has these two even and another has Obama up by 14. Who are they talking to? Either way, I am getting drunk and writing in Bill Shatner on Novermber 4th.

Besides, as you can see from the picture, polls are scientific and accurate.

Chick I'd happily lose my girlfriend to

Besides being the hottest 40+ year old in Hollywood, she is part of the greatest movie scene in history. All guys know exactly where they were when they watched the movie "Unfaithful." More specifically, the scene where the main dude pulled her out of his apartment towards the back stairwell, and proceeded to lift up her skirt, pull aside her panties, and give it to her like a St Bernard humping your leg. How she did not win an oscar is beyond me. The way she bent over and gripped the circular part of the stair bannister is what separates the A list from the B list actresses. She deserved to be on a Wheaties box for that performance.

US commandos rescue American hostage near Kabul

KABUL, Afghanistan – U.S. Special Forces soldiers freed a kidnapped American working for the Army Corps of Engineers during a nighttime mission last week — a rare hostage rescue in a country where ransom abductions have become increasingly common.

Yes! About f ing time. I am sick and tired of all this America bashing of late - mostly coming from the left wing pussies. This is the kind of shit I like to read about - a daring rescue, where many terrorists were killed. I guarantee you Chuck Norris had his hand in this. I wonder how long it will take for liberal pansies to complain about how its unfair that we kill them at night, or we should have negotiated more. In their world, more talking is always better. In Chuck's world, more guns do all the talking. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, Chuck Norris could solved the Afghanistan crisis and rooted out the Taliban, and Mr. T could've put us on the path to victory in Iraq.

Go Navy!

Damn! Remember the days when Catherine Bell was starring in that cheesy television show JAG? Those tits are so nice it should be illegal to hide those away in a stuffy Navy uniform. They should be showcased in a bikini for the world to enjoy. Network rating don't suck because of shitty shows, they suck because they don't have enough Catherine Bell. Just once, I'd love to salute her in the morning. If this was the kind of talent in the U.S. Navy, I would accelerate my life tomorrow.

Is It Illegal to Drink and Vote?

For a brief moment on Friday, Albuquerque police officers wondered if it was illegal to drink and vote. Why? A woman had passed out while casting her ballot at an early voting site. Bernalillo County Clerk Maggie Toulouse Oliver doesn't know if the woman completed her ballot - she was subsequently transported by ambulance to a local hospital, which has no record of admitting her - but said it will be counted. Poll workers called police after the woman began yelling and screaming at them. When the officers arrived, she had lost consciousness with a bottle of vodka tucked into her waistband. A little checking determined that it was not illegal to be drunk when casting a ballot, but election laws do prohibit liquor at voting sites and creating a disturbance. Charges have not been filed.

Cue the whinos, beggars, thieves, Russian-Americans and homeless, this is great news for them all. If people can't admit we're the greatest democracy in the world I give them this story. Just when I had begun to lose all hope with our voting process, a story comes out that portrays the U.S. in a fair and civil light.

I believe this could be the start of a new tradition. This could overtake St. Patty's Day. I plan on getting to the bar at 6am on November 4th, drinking myself into a frenzy, stumble to the voting station and cast my vote for whoever's name I can read. This might be McCain's last chance for victory. If he can convince more Americans to get shitfaced, he might be able to pull off the miracle. We all know this was Truman's strategy in 1948 against Dewey.

On November 4, 2008, I plan on having a little Captain Morgans in me.

Dallas hospital bills woman who never saw a doctor

DALLAS – A woman says she waited 19 hours at Parkland Memorial Hospital's emergency department for treatment of a broken leg and never did get to see a doctor — but still got a bill for $162. Amber Joy Milbrodt, who said she broke a bone in her leg while playing volleyball, received the bill two weeks after her Sept. 24 visit. Parkland officials said the bill was appropriate because a nurse spent time checking her vital signs to assess her level of need.The assessment by the nurse, which lasted a few minutes, established her place in line that night. By that time, Milbrodt said, she had already been waiting about 3 1/2 hours.

I always knew I should've put my prejudice against gays aside when I was 19 years old, and gone to nursing school. I work my ass off for 5 cents an hour, while a nurse is able to charge $162 for two minutes. Lets put this in perspective: for the amount of time I'd last if it titty-banged Anne Hathaway, this hospital made enough for one happy ending at a Chinese masseuse parlor. I am seriously going to reconsider my hesitations about nursing. With money like that, maybe my new dream should focus on becoming the next Greg Focker.

Time to accept we all pick our nose

I want nose-picking to become culturally acceptable. I am tired of looking in both directions--like when I tell off-color jokes--each time I have to clean house. It's not as if I am picking my ass and smelling it, like the loser in the back of high school chemistry class. On some days my nose is full of crusties, which require more precision than a regular blowing of the nose possesses. I feel I am a doctor, guiding my finger up my nose, making sure I accurately pick the booger without causing bleeding. It's a fine art. One that requires patience and dedication. Besides, when we all are driving in our car, it's open season on boogers, and we don't care who's looking.

Which picture is better?

T

The one on the right doesn't seem to be taking this as serious as she should be. There should be no smiling when another woman licks your stomach. I only want to see you in the throes of ecstasy. And lift that shirt up higher; give her more surface to lick.

This has been the hardest decision I've made all week. All four women seem eager to please. Eager to get their tongues wetter than a midget in a kiddie-pool.

I have to go for the one on the left. While the one on the right is certainly worthy, it looks like they're in public, probably doing this for the amusement of the bar. The chicks on the left are doing it in the comfort of a private home, meaning there is a better chance the girl in the blue took her satisfying tongue to the white girl's tuna town.

Dead goldfish offered the vote in Illinois

CHICAGO – The only "agent of change" Princess ever supported was the person who freshened the water in her fishbowl. So election officials in Chicago's northern suburbs want to know why voter registration material was sent to the dead goldfish."I am just stunned at the level of people compromising the integrity of the voting process," said Lake County Clerk Willard Helander, a Republican, who said she has spotted problems with nearly 1,000 voter registrations this year.

Someone better wake up JFK, because it looks like the deceased voter-rolls are getting ready to put Obama over the top like they did him. If anyone believes voter fraud and suppression only happens in one party, then I have a bag of shit I want to sell you. Voting in this country has become an embarrassment to our national pride.

I'll use the old adage: we can put a man on the moon--or a large hanger, whatever those idiot conspiracy theorists want to believe--but we can't figure out how to register living, eligible, human beings, and make their vote actually count. How hard is it to build a machine that counts votes. The Ancient Romans had running water, coming from 30-40 miles of aqueducts, yet Joe Shithead, working in East Bum Fuck County middle America, is not given a proper working machine for the most important elections we have.

If we have voter fraud on November 2--you all know we will--then I say we do away with voting, and have a 10-category-Billy-Madison-type contest to decide who will be the next commander in chief. Wouldn't it be great to see Obama vs McCain in the musical category, followed by the 50-yard dash? I'll feel a hell of a lot more comfortable with those results, then trusting our reliable county and local officials.

I know national elections are actually state-by-state elections, but, with a $13 trillion federal budget, when will it be time for the feds to step in and demand some uniformity? If I see another American counting hanging chads, I will be moving up to Montreal, spending my days having the legs and eggs special at Supersex.

Election fraud is further reason why I am voting for Bill Shatner. You go, Denny Crane!

Man nabbed with frozen shrimp bags down his pants

BRADENTON, Fla. – Authorities said a man tried to steal several bags of frozen shrimp from a supermarket by hiding them down his pants. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office reported that an off-duty detective was shopping at a Sweetbay supermarket Sunday when he noticed what appeared to be a man with groceries stuffed in his pants.

This guy stole shrimp at Sweetbay supermarket in the County of Manatee? You can't make this stuff up. I've been to Florida and I can totally relate to this man. The State is hotter than the sun. If I can't find ice to stuff down my pants to cool off the junk, then I would not be afraid to grab the closest sea-going fish I could find. Any chance he saw a MILF in aisle 8, got a bit excited, and needed something cold to stop the blood-flow? Seems like a logical alibi in my book.

A couple of Sun Devils

This might be the hottest non-porn picture on the web. If they were pillow fighting in their panties, I would have to break out the Jurgens. I have pulled out an application to Arizona State. I am thinking of getting my masters in women's study. "Um, excuse me, ladies, but I am trying to watch a football game."

She's got such nice eyes....

I love women who are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and realize, to get ahead in life, they need to purchase fake boobs. Today's technology make them look so real.

God bless you for making it count on the outside. We all know a woman with "just" a good personality, is actually code for ugly. Best fake boobs I've seen are on 19 year old Montreal strippers. With the exchange rate today being $1.19 Canadian for $1 American, cuppage of those boobs in Montreal will cost you about $8 American. Sure beats buying a dinner and a movie.

Will anyone be watching?

Now that the Red Sox have been officially eliminated, I guarantee this will be the least watched World Series this century. The rest of the country, outside of Tampa Bay and Philadelphia, don't give a shit about this series.

The only people living in Tampa Bay are old people waiting to die and jews looking to take advantage of them. As for Philadelphia, well, they beat up Santa Claus; and that completely disqualifies you from ever winning a championship. I hope Philly gets swept.

Just to make sure Philly loses, I am sending Rudolph, Yukon Cornelius, the toys from misfit island and the Abominable Snowman to all the games. If Philly dares to take a lead, the Abominable will throw you in the sleigh, and Rudolph will fly your sorry asses to the North Pole, where you'll have to run through the Elf spanking machine.

Don't mess with Santa and his posse.

God Bless Women

I love women. And I love Fridays. Enjoy both. Where are those left hands going :-)

Monkey photo fails to fool Los Angeles court

A California man is headed back to court after trying to use a photo of his pet monkey alongside a Mexican newspaper to fool a court commissioner into believing the animal had been sent south of the border. David Grigorian had been ordered to surrender his marmoset Cheeta because he did not have a permit for the animal. Authorities say the 43-year-old Van Nuys man was in court this week to show that the monkey was gone.

This has completely restored my faith in the California justice system. You might be able to make LA believe if the glove does not fit you must acquit, but damn you if you try and pull the ol' "I sent my monkey to Mexico trick." We all know that only works with Juan Valdez and his Italian Christmas Donkey named Dominic.

Red Sox 8, Rays 7

I don't believe what I just saw. Down 7-0 with two outs in the 7th, and you score 8 to win!? In an elimination game? Unbelievable!

Irish bookie calls US race over, pays off on Obama

The race is over as far as Ireland's biggest bookmaker is concerned. Paddy Power PLC says it is so sure Barack Obama will win the U.S. presidential election next month that it paid off Thursday on all bets it had taken backing the Democratic candidate. It said it shelled out more than euro1 million, about $1.35 million. "We declare this race well and truly over and congratulate all those who backed Obama — your winnings await you," the company said in a statement.

Damnit! I was 1 day away from calling my Irish bookie and putting my money on William Shatner for president. It seems like Paddy Power had a few too many pints at Temple Bar last night, forget he was in the business of being a fucking bookie, and waiting to the actual results come in. How can this Celtic call the election over, when there's a juggernaut like Captain Kirk waiting in the wings as the write-in candidate?

Could you imagine walking into a Vegas casino, placing a bet on a baseball team, and trying to collect when the game is in the 5th inning. If Joe Pesci doesn't come over and kick your ass, they'll tell you to sit the f down and wait for the hot chick to come by and serve you drinks. They always say the Irish don't rule the world because they drink too much beer. That's bs. They don't rule the world because they allow companies like Paddy to dole out $1 million before the end of the contest. I guess he hasn't read all the idiot columnists writing about that phantom of an excuse Bradley Effect.

Voters are stupid

Some news audiences are more politically savvy than others, according to a new poll, with readers of The New Yorker and similar high-brow magazines being the most knowledgeable. The survey, conducted between April 30 and June 1 by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press, measured the political knowledge of 3,612 U.S. adults. Participants were asked to name the controlling party of the U.S. House of Representatives, the U.S. secretary of state and Great Britain's prime minister.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! The American people, on average, are political idiots. Please tell me something we don't know. This is exactly why the founding fathers despised the public mass. And this is why we have the Electoral College. Maybe it's time for a dictatorship. Just a thought.

Nothing on TV tonight

Yawn! I am about as excited for this debate as a 1 legged man in an ass kicking contest. If anyone is tuning-in, hoping to hear something new, then I have 9 words for you: where have you been for the past two years? Nobody should have to live like this. Americans shouldn't be exposed to a presidential campaign lasting 730 days. In ancient Rome, Consuls were elected on a yearly basis, by the Comitia Centuriata, which, true, was severely tilted in favor of aristocratics. However, the Consuls formally assumed powers after the ratification of their election--which took 1 f ing day. This granted the consuls their imperium. How did it take 1 day over 2000 years ago, yet today it takes 18,360 hours?

How is, arguably, the greatest country in the world--except for Iceland, Italy and Ireland--left with these two morons as our choices? One is an old man who went to high school with Julius Caesar. And the other is a blowhard stuffed with empty rhetoric.

Sadly, McCain is the best chance for a Republican staying in the White House - that's not saying much. During the primary the R's were left with choices that made Moe, Larry and Curly seem enticing.

As for Obama, I have never seen a country faint over someone with so little to offer. I can only guess, after 8 years of Bush, the populace will follow anyone that can say 3 syllable words and put more than 2 consecutive sentences together.

Either way, I am choosing William Shatner as my write-in candidate. Because, if any of you watch Boston Legal, I think a 78-year old man with Mad Cow Disease is more qualified than these two. I am off to watch my old Baywatch tapes.

p.s. Maximus and I are so dumb, we can't figure out why our posting time is 3 hours behind the actual time. I am posting this at 8:30pm, so it will probably say 5:30.

Si!!!!

I don't know about you, but this picture makes me want to grab a Corona right now. How about you?

Bumping Uglies

Is the front thing a man or woman?

Chick I'd happily lose my girlfriend to

As a man, I am tired of hearing women happy in their relationship say, "I love my man, but he knows I'd F so-and-so if I had the opportunity." Two can play that game, women. Only I'd like to take it a step further.

So....in solidarity with men, I am introducing a weekly category on this blog. One that is not ashamed to let the world know what I am thinking. Let's call it: "Chick I'd happily bang, as my girlfriend has to sit and watch." (Officially: Chick I'd happily lose my girlfriend to). See how much she'd like that. Not only do men get to pick a new hottie each week, but they can take comfort in knowing their girlfriend will be in the audience.

For the inaugural chick, I have to go with Hollywood cutie Ms. Rachel McAdams. Not only was she a sexy bitch in Mean Girls, but she completely showed off her great calves and slutty tendencies in the Notebook. Who can ever forget that wet (it was raining) sex scene, after Noah realizes their relationship isn't over and kisses her on the docks? While it may have been a chick flick, Rachel makes the movie watchable. After two strong performances in PG movies, she needs to do a sexually-charged R rated film. It's about time the world saw what's going on underneath those Canadian clothes. C'mon, Rachel, for all of us, give us a peek. Hell, i wouldn't need that much, just a quick beav shot.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie announce their divorce

Madonna and filmmaker Guy Ritchie will end their marriage after nearly eight years, the couple said in a joint statement Wednesday.

I can't believe this lasted 8 years. If Guy Ritchie had any self-respect he would've never married a cock-aholic woman, who has had more dicks in her than Debbie when she banged the entire city of Dallas. Hey, Guy! It must be nice to know you've followed more people between Madonna's legs than died in the Middle Ages from the Bubonic Plague.

Another Congressman cheated.

Hours after a married congressman addressed a report that he had an affair with a former aide and paid her to keep quiet about it, details of a purported tryst with a second woman surfaced. Though Democratic U.S. Rep. Tim Mahoney did not directly mention allegations first reported by ABC News that he had been involved with the former aide, he issued a statement apologizing to his family but denying he'd done anything illegal.

No shit you haven't done anything illegal -- unless both women are ugly. We all know banging other chicks when you're married is not--or should ever be--a crime. If we ever made it a crime the prison population would swell exponentially. It seems the only crime taking place here is from his wife's lack of attention to his needs. We all know men cheat because their wife forgets her daily quota of sex, and instead complains about how tired she is. The formula is always the same: man dates nympho; man falls in love; man gets temporary amnesia and buys engagement ring; man marries woman; woman gets married and gets a 40 year case of "no sex-itis." I wouldn't write this if it wasn't scientifically proven.

I do love his reaction when he got caught. He gave us the "Jason Giambi, I am apologizing to apologize, but I won't say what for" excuse. I may not be the smartest person, but I know when I am caught with my pants down. You're a man. You need different pussy. We get it. In fact, I can relate to you. But stand up and admit you're caught. Don't parade your lack-of-respect wife to the podium with you, saying how sorry you are. You're the same as every guy: you're sorry you got caught.

For once I'd love to see the woman who has been cheated on NOT stand by her man. Is that too difficult to ask? She should be out there, trying to bang Mahoney's brother or best friend. Looks like his Congressional district will be the only seat the Republicans gain this election. Well done, Tim. Well done.

Only in Wisconsin?

Honestly I think there are a few states in our country that I wouldn't mind if Canada just took them away -- Wisconsin is one of them. And I think it is demonstrated by the complete lack of common sense by these Wisconsinites, or what they affectionately call themselves -- "Cheeseheads." First there was the story about those stupid kids that dug up a girl killed in a car accident to um, pleasure themselves with. Not only is that completely disgusting, perverted, and sick, what I found to be quite fitting for someone from this great state was that they brought condoms...afraid of getting her pregnant???? Man gotta love that homegrown midwest corn fed education. But that aside, I came across yet another example of complete cluelessness and i'll let the story speak for itself:

WISCONSIN RAPIDS, Wis. (AP) _ Forget the pack of gum or sweet treat inside. Kelly Joosten and dozens of other motorists got more than their fill of gas after being charged 34.9 cents a gallon.

Joosten, 28, pulled up to a Citgo station to fill up her 1998 Ford Expedition on Monday afternoon for an advertised price of $3.43 for premium fuel.

"But the pump, when you pulled up, said .349," said Joosten, who normally spends about $100 per tank. "That was amazing."

Joosten proudly showed off her receipt for 25.36 gallons at $8.85. She said she saw other motorists filling gas cans, too, at the discounted price.

Station owner JP Raval says the attendant on duty couldn't figure out why the station was suddenly so busy

Affirmative Action is on the way out

Affirmative action describes many policies aimed at a historically socio-politically non-dominant group (typically, minority men or women of all racial groups) intended to promote its access to education or employment.

Let me and Maximus be the first one to say it. This institutionalized racism should be on the way out. If a black man--Obama--is voted in by a majority white population to the most powerful office in the world, then the argument this is a country where minorities need a codified advantage to get ahead is dead. We can understand the argument during the civil rights era. However, there is no reason to continue government sanctioned racism.

We live in a world that will always contain people who are racist -- from all colors. Now is the time to begin undoing this grievous inequity. We'll be the first to say affirmative action should be discontinued on January 20, 2009 - the same day Obama is (may) be sworn in as President.

Say it ain't so, Lindsay. Please!

Lindsay Lohan’s lesbian love affair with DJ Samantha Ronson looks to be on the rocks – with one insider claiming the star may want a boyfriend. Samantha is concerned that Lindsay is too much in the public eye and has asked her to cool it. The DJ beauty is worried that her celebrity lover will once again fall prey to the twin temptations of drugs and alcohol.

Today is truly a sad day all-over Man Town. I was really pulling (some pun intended) for this couple. It's not too often you see a hot movie star, with exceptionally large tits and a slutty attitude, turn lesbian at such a young and ripe age. Lindsay Lohan gave hope to the fantasy every guy has when he sees women hugging. We all dreamed she had late-night pajama pillow fights with Scarlett Johansson, Sophia Bush and all the sluts on Gilmore Girls. Now that dream seems to be fading.

If this break up is true, I will certainly shed a tear. However, a breakup will give me hope that Lohan will use her tongue skills on an actual hot chick. I never understood why lesbian couples always have to have a she-man. Where are the lip stick lesbos?

More meat for me

ASHEVILLE, N.C. - You can call her CutoutDissection.com, Cutout for short, but just don't call her Jennifer. The former Jennifer Thornburg — now legally CutoutDissection.com — wanted to do something real to protest animal dissections in schools. The 19-year-old's new name is also the Web address for an anti-dissection page of the site for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, where she is interning.

PETA is out of control. I am fine when they have Pamela Anderson and Playboy Playmates naked on billboards, calling for people not to eat meat. In fact, I laugh every time I see them--after I stare at the pictures, hoping for a little nipple slippage, of course--because if they are able to convert just 1% of the population, that means more meat for me and all my carnivorous friends. There isn't anything better than a gigantice piece of veal parmesan gracing my dinner plate.

But I draw the line when these whacko's convert an innocent high school student. Besides this being the worst name since Tiny Tim (I bet his wife went to sleep "satisfied" every night), they have forever corrupted this young and innocent mind. She ought to quit her internship today, and get back to doing more worthwhile high school activities.

She needs to forget about an internship at PETA and start worrying about who is going to ask her to the prom. Unless the guy believes a naked PETA model will accompany her, she won't be getting asked. No guy wants have anything on his mind other than getting that prom dress off. It's as American as apple pie. Boy asks girl to prom. Girl gets all excited and buys dress. Boy makes bet with his friends on which one of them will score first. Boy loses his chance to get laid when girl starts preaching to him about all the pretty animals innocently slaughtered every day.

Mark my words, this chick will be boiling bunnies on every ex boyfriend's stove. Besides, instead of an internship, doesn't she have some cheerleading and sleeping with the quarterback to do?

John Lewis is an idiot.

Georgia Rep. John Lewis has decided that the McCain campaign is channeling Southern segregationist George Wallace. The civil rights icon issued a statement over the weekend saying, "What I am seeing reminds me too much of another destructive period in American history." He accused Team McCain of "hatred and division, and there is no need for this hostility in our political discourse."

Is John McCain's campaign desperate? Yes. Are they trying to change the subject with comments about Obama and Ayers? Yes. Are those comments racist? No.

Every time a minority uses the race card when there is, clearly, no hint of racism at all, they are doing a complete disservice to their cause. There is no doubt Lewis was instrumental during the civil rights movement. But that does not justify his idiotic comments regarding the McCain campaign inciting hatred. Last time I checked McCain does not want segregation to return. So comparing him to Wallace makes the person who drew this comparision disingenous and just plain ignorant. I am not here to decide whether Obama and Ayers were buddies, like some on the right have suggested. I am here, though, to ask either side to stop using the race card. Both sides are guilty. And both sides are ignorant.

Being against Obama does not make you a racist. And being against McCain does not mean you dislike old people. I've heard intelligent people on both sides make their case on why they plan on voting for either. Lets admit both candidates bring vastly different platforms to the table, and you're free to vote for one candidate without being labeled.

I fear that all this talk of race, and what it means to this election, is distracting us from what this election is all about - the issues.

The Cuban embargo should be working any day now!

U.S. President George W. Bush on Friday called Cuba a "dungeon" and vowed Washington would not lift its economic embargo until Havana released political prisoners and allowed free expression.Speaking to Cuban-Americans on the anniversary of Cuba's independence from Spain in 1868, Bush said his administration offered aid to Havana after the island was hit by devastating hurricanes this year, but the communist government led by President Raul Castro refused.

You go, George! You're damn right they're a dungeon. Come to think of it, I wonder if they have extra dungeons to spare? You and I both know we're running out of room to torture our rendition prisoners. We could close Guantanamo if they would be willing to trade their political prisoners for ours. Maybe that's your chance to fully escape judicial review.

I am also Glad to see Bush continue this cold war policy. If you know anything about foreign policy, then you know an embargo really takes at least 60 years to be effective. A superpower wishing for regime change needs patience. We can't force our will on nations - unless, of course, your name is Iraq, Grenada, etc. It's not like Rome defeated Carthage overnight. They needed 118 years to defeat their arch-enemy. If we were fighting the Barbary Pirates, then I'd say this spat should be over. Instead, we're fighting the mighty Cubans, who roll a cigar tighter than a GW co-ed. You want proof? Look at how they kick our ass in baseball. I mean, Cuba has an enormous pupulation of 13 million, which is a "serious" threat to America's sovereignty. I applaud our government's "sound" policy to isolate Cuba from the U.S. If we're not careful, though, Bermuda may begin their long-anticipated invasion of Dover, Delaware.

Last time I checked, a certain way to change regime in a country, is to let every American idiot tourist in. That paves the way for people who do not speak the language, but just speak louder, hoping the natives will then understand what they're saying.

This just in......

Voting against Obama means you're a racist; and voting against Palin means you're a sexist. Voting was a lot easier when it was nothing but old and stuffy white men. I am sure glad, besides McCain and Biden, there are none in this race. Oops, did I just type race? Damnit! Now all the moonbats are going to think I am racist. I am sure glad the rest of the country is understanding, and doesn't take anything out of context, over every little thing that's said.

New Rule?

Maybe something that we should make all these lying dirtbags in Washington do:

Two challengers for an Indiana congressional seat have agreed to be hooked up to lie detectors during a debate, but an official with the incumbent's party dismisses the idea as "bizarre."Ninth District Republican Party Chairman Larry Shickles on Wednesday proposed the political polygraphs for Democratic Rep. Baron Hill, GOP challenger Mike Sodrel and Libertarian candidate Eric Schansberg.

Really?

I couldn't resist weighing in briefly about this. It seems that the Massachusetts state legislature has defied all odds and managed to win the prize for the most useless debate ever, while the wheels fall off the economy.

"The battle over whether to name "Moby-Dick" the official book of
Massachusetts was almost as intense as the deadly confrontation between Capt.
Ahab's crew and the elusive white whale.The state House of Representatives on
Thursday passed a bill naming Herman Melville's classic the official "epic
novel" of Massachusetts after some lawmakers wondered whether it should be named
the official book, given the state's rich literary history.Rep. Cory Atkins
tells The Boston Globe she questioned why Melville should get the honor and not
Nathaniel Hawthorne or Louisa May Alcott.Rep. Christopher Speranzo sponsored the
bill at the urging of elementary school students in his Berkshires district.
Melville wrote the book in Pittsfield.The bill needs to pass the Senate and get
the governor's signature.