Pelosi renews call new economic stimulus bill

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is calling again for a lameduck session of Congress to enact a stimulus program to shore up the sinking economy. Pelosi said Wednesday that no decisions have yet been made on such a post-election session. But she did say that talks are continuing with the White House on the terms of such a package, which would include additional assistance for people who are out of work.

This woman is insane. When I hear the name Pelosi, I can only think of the Hindenburg.

The least qualified politician since David Duke is at it again. Speaker Pelosi is calling for us to borrow billions of more money from our best friends, China and Russia. She also has a call into Parker Brothers to see if they can print more of their orange $500 Monopoly bills.

Um, hello, Mrs. Speaker, we ran out of zeroes on the debt clock, and you want to add a few hundred billion more. I love how these assbags tell us to save our money for retirement, not to put too much on our credit cards and make sure we have enough money for our children's future, yet don't follow the same rules. Instead, they make the money up as we go.

Priority number 1 for Obama should be to have some political courage and cut spending, eliminate the Bush tax cuts, get us out of Iraq, and get us back to running surpluses.

Obama wins!

The election is over and I am still drunk. I love a great party, and last night was on for the ages. I can't remember much after 9:30pm.

Now that the election is over we as a country can get back to more important things, like college football bowl season and Christmas shopping.

Election Prediction

I am so sick of these Washington , DC , “Insider” pundits talking about the Bradley Effect, negative campaigning, lipstick on pigs, lesbians and rotting deer carcasses. Why can’t they give it to us straight, without injecting their idiocy?

I had an epiphany over the weekend, when I had to listen to some homo spout out of his mouth, at a crowded restaurant, no less, on how Obama was the second coming of Christ and McCain was the antichrist. That wouldn’t have been so bad if he didn’t do it in a highly vocal gay lisp (do they take classes for that?). Now I am not saying he’s gay, but I haven’t seen a man shake like that while talking since the last time I saw a gay man eat a hot dog.

Below is my non-bs keys to who is the better candidate. Since I am already voting for Bill Shatner, this is especially for all the independents and voters who haven’t made up their minds.

Pins

All weekend I saw smiling white people with Obama pins on. I accept all black people are voting for Obama (but it’s not race, of course), but I can’t take these white people who think they’re doing a wonderful service to slavery, civil rights, etc. These are the same assholes who say they’re not racist because they once knew a black kid in pre-school. Look, this election is not to satisfy your guilt. It’s for the issues and policies. And stop pinning this crap on your 7 year old; they clearly have no idea what’s going on. Furthermore, I don’t find Obama cute, so the last thing I want to see is a pin on of his face. The only good part about Obama pins are they are most likely to be worn by cute college women, giving me an excuse to stare at their tits, I mean, pin attached to their upper-front body cavity.

Since I live in DC, I did not see any McCain pins.

Advantage: McCain

Wives

Both of the candidate’s wives have done well volunteering their time. Both are very attractive for their age. Cindy is petite, while Michelle is a little “Bigger boned.” There are, however, 2 rules I live by: Marry a rich older woman if you can, and never date a woman that can kick the shit out of you.

Advantage: McCain

Books

In the interest of full disclosure, I have not, nor would I ever, read any of their books. I am not in the habit of reading political propaganda. McCain is a war hero, who was tortured at the Hanoi Hilton. Obama grew up with different color parents. One admitted to being a womanizer, while the other admitted to snorting cocaine.

Advantage: Push

Supporters

Obama’s people are completely, 100%, up in your face. They say if you don’t vote for him you’re, basically, a racist. They actually believe he’s going to change Washington , D.C. And they believe he’ll be able to stop people from dying like Neo in the Matrix.

I haven’t found a McCain supporter in DC.

This is a tough one. Since I hate people showcasing what they fucking think, I would normally go with McCain. But I am going against my gut for the simple fact I have seen more hot college chicks wearing Obama gear. If I know anything about Democrat college women, it’s they put-out; just attend an abortion rally. So my little head has vetoed the big head.

Advantage: Obama

Looks

I always want to be at a party or bar with nothing but ugly guys. Having a bunch of good-looking guys hitting on the same pot of women puts a dent in your evening agenda. If I have the chance to go to a party with Zack Morris or Screech, I am picking Screech every day. Zack may know more hot women, but you’re not pulling any away from him.

Obama is skinny, in shape and looks like he takes care of himself. McCain looks like Freddy Krueger from Elm Street .

Advantage: McCain

Children

Obama’s kids certainly look cute. I can honestly say they’ll probably turn out great.

McCain has far too many kids. I don’t even want one, so I have to question someone’s judgment when they have 57, and then adopt one from Bangladesh .

On the other hand, Meghan McCain said if the senator becomes president, and wins in New Hampshire , she'll tattoo the state motto -- "Live Free or Die" -- somewhere on her body. This has my mind going. Does she do it on her ass? Thigh? Does she put it right above her ass, in the male bullseye area? Either way I want to see 8 years of her.

Advantage: McCain

Intangibles

Obama has the wind at his back. After 8 years of a President butchering the English language, America and the world are ready for some coherance. All the sign point to an Obama victory, and, frankly, I don't see how McCain can win.

With all that being said, there is one thing I hate more than snakes and females who wait till they're married.....and that's polls. Every two-bit prostitute and their mother has done some sort of poll for us mere mortals to see. The fraudulent NY Times has Obama up by 14 and the AP has it a 1 point contest. How can that be? Oh, I know, it's because one of those outlets is biased. Either way, if we take the averages, Obama should be smiling tonight. But my trust in polls is equivalent to my trust in women: none.

As you can see from my "just as scientific poll as Gallup" it looks like McCain is going to pull off the upset tonight, and to the dismay of many, become our 44th president. Don't come crying to me Wednesday when this happens.

My mother always said I was full of shit.

I am sleeping in today

In case you haven't heard this for the 1,458,033 time, TODAY is ELECTION Day! Just like the pundits say every 4 years, this is the most important and historic election of your life. Today you will get to decide whether the world turns to the dark side or we put in a new 200 watt bulb, and make the whole world shine.

If Obama wins I envision a scene not so much different then the movie Bambi; where all the animals start singing--in English, of course--and Jesus scales down from heaven to fulfill his prophecy of return. I cannot wait till that happens.

If only I didn't have to do an absentee ballot, then I could be as cool as everyone else and wear an "I Voted" sticker. Though I would be different and not put it on my shirt, but right down the middle of the zipper of my crotch. If I have to vote, I want everyone looking at my package today.

Bill Shatner 08

Fat men be gone

Would the fat man, with more rolls than Dunkin Donuts, please get dressed quicker in the men's locker room at the gym? Is that too much to ask for?

After a long and boring day at work, the last thing I want to see is a 400 pound douchebag, with the penis length of a newborn boy. Why can't you get dressed in less than 2 minutes, like all normal, in-shape, heterosexual men? I know it's difficult, but standing there naked, looking at all the men come in and out of the locker room, leaves me to believe you have pedophile tendencies. Hey! NAMBLA just called, they want their playground stalker back.

I don't want to look, but that's like asking a driver not to look at a car accident. No matter how gross it may be, we slow down and look. I want my gym to have 3 locker rooms: men; women; and fat and gay people. It's gotten so bad at my gym, they had to put up a sign to stop taking camera phone pictures in the locker room.

Instead of gawking at the fit people, shouldn't you be chasing a donut down the road? You fat bastard. This place would be a lot better if the fat people would eat themselves to death. Instead they feel the need to publicly display their disgusting fat-bodies, giving us athletic people a sudden case of vomiting. I'd ask the gays to leave, but then my gym wouldn't be so nice.

I guess I could live more knowing there might be a group of faggots out there, having a circle jerk with camera phone pictures. But I draw the line when I have to see fat, nude men at the gym. Every time I try and join a woman's gym they turn me down. I think they're being a bit sexist.

Australia: No residency for boy with Down syndrome

SYDNEY, Australia – A German doctor hoping to gain permanent residency in Australia said Friday he will fight a decision by the immigration department to deny his application because his son has Down syndrome. Bernhard Moeller, a specialist physician, came to Australia with his family two years ago to help fill a doctor shortage in a rural area of Victoria state.

I have to side with Australia on this one. And before anyone gets high and mighty, put yourself in their shoes for a minute. When you're thinking about which one of your friends you want to invite to your party, you never put the retard first. When you're drafting your high school dodgeball team, who gets picked last? It's always the retard. When you're at a bar or nightclub, have you ever hit on the reatard in the corner? Of course not.

So before you start lambasting the Australian Government, please take into account your feelings on the less fortunate. And if you're still angry at them, ask yourself if you'd ever let a retard go down on you? Sure it might be awful to look at, but a retard with Terret's could lick that like a kid with his first ice cream cone.

We all know retards add costs to the government. And with today's financial mess, we need to be more sympathetic to our elected officials trying to alleviate the pain on its citizens who can comprehend their surroundings. Unless they're bringing back "Life Goes On," Corky and his coterie of retards will have to limit themselves to drooling in their chairs and pooping in their diapers.

How can 30 Million Americans be so stupid?

According to preliminary ratings numbers from the networks, more than 26 million people watched the program on CBS, NBC or Fox. That's 3 million more than usually watch those networks at that hour, according to the Hollywood Reporter. Averaging in the cable networks that also carried the event, about 30 million people in all saw the long-form campaign ad.

Sorry to play on the phrase from the British press when Bush won in 04, but are you fucking kidding me? 30 million people tuned into this turd-fest? Doesn't anyone have a partner to bang? Wood to chop? Babies to shake violently? Old ladies to push down the stairs? Anything?

Apparently not. It looks like America is filled with at least 30 million losers, who couldn't find anything to do other than watch an informercial. Since I didn't see it, I wonder how many people were waiting for the Zack Morris look-alike, with a headset on, grab a sponge and soak up 48 gallons with one swipe. The miracle sponge would've been more interesting than a wind-bag in a suit.

I for one cannot wait for the election to be over. I have tried to stay neutral, however, these Americans have put me over the edge. While I'll have to call and apologize to Bill Shatner, I am throwing my hat behind McCain. I am doing this because, like Imus said this morning, I want to see the most chaos. And a win for McCain would certainly send millions into a frenzy, crying out about a stolen "racist" election. Let the chaos begin.